Quoted

It was a few weeks ago, but a fellow researcher quoted me in his article on film (The Game) and pervasive gaming. It reminded me that it would be fun to write more articles on films and popular culture in general. I’ve sadly dropped that part as I’ve been so focused on my thesis and other aspects of culture (like politics and artists). But I discuss popular culture and art to great lenght in my course on the sociology of images.

The research on gaming is something that fascinates me. As a student one of my ideas for my Master’s thesis was to write about role-playing as an art form, but I didn’t have the nerve to present this idea to my professor at the time. But I’m determined to get more “fun stuff” into my research in the near future.

Slow movements

So, this weekend I attended a two day course in Qigong. My main motivation being that I’ve started to feel more stressed about my research work. Looming deadlines and all that. Being torn between wanting to be with family and wanting to get work done. You know, all that. Nothing uncommon in today’s western (perhaps even global) society.

For a long time I’ve dealt with a cocktail of feelings: ambition and resignation, shame for constantly being in the wrong place, anger and irritation over the strange and conflicting demands that I feel from all around me. I’ve felt a bit like I’m loosing control over my (working) life. At the same time I know I’m on the right path if I only manage to hold on to the things I dream of achieving, manage to keep my integrity and don’t let for example economic uncertainy daunt me. All of this is a writhing chaotic sea of thoughts in my head and it has become harder to turn it off. I have a friend who has practiced Qigong so I joined her on a weekend beginners course to give it a try.

I was not surprised at all by the effect it has on a person. I don’t want to write about effect on mind and body, because it becomes very obvious that these are not separate things when you do the slow movements of Qigong. I’ve done some Yoga before, very irregularly, but this was even more powerful when it comes to the movements affecting thinking (because somehow you have to let the movements guide you, but obviously you also choose to move).

The physical part was easier, even though my body ached from standing so still and lifting my arms so very slowly. It sounds silly to write it, but I had to fight not to become bored. It seems I’m so used to constant stimuli, texts, images, stories, news, talk (and all of this information is gathered because you don’t want to loose track, because it might become useful at some point) that trying to stand still and just move my hands back and forth for fifteen minutes was like some sort of torture. But then we did it again, and again, and it became easier every time. And afterwards there was a great calm. No more need, and no more chaos of thoughts, no more outside world. Or at least there was a lessening of all those things. I can’t claim that I’ve become another person over the weekend.

But I’m still a bit fuzzy and happy. Because I’ve felt I can let go a little of the stress caused by ambition and performance anxiety. I’ll just go on doing what I’m doing. I can’t do it any better (or faster, except at the expense of my health) than I do now. And if it’s not enough, that doesn’t really matter either, because I’ll still have my life and my health (hopefully). Life is not meant to be spent worrying about the future. Sure we should have plans and dreams. But even if these dreams never come true, that’s not the point of it all. The point is that life should be enjoyed, not suffered through.

So today I’m working from home. I’ve caught a very light cold. I felt it’s pressure on my lungs on saturday, but it seems it let me go to the Qigong-course, where I forgot about it, and then after the course it started very slightly tickling my throat and back of my nose. It’s still very light, and I don’t feel tired at all. But I’m not going to be at work spreading the virus around to my collegues.

It was cold and rainy this morning. But I saw a rainbow when I drove back from work with my books. And now the sun is shining and the garden is all yellowy green and glittering wet.

Brainbabies

I finished the previous post by stating that I have a year to think about what to do with my artistic ambitions. Well, now I’ve thought about it for a year and a half (and I’ll just keep writing on this blog like nothing’s happened), but unsurprisingly this is still the same thing I’m thinking about. But of course life has changed as well, mainly my academic career has been evolving. Concerning the artistic side of me, I have had some new insights, some encouraging ideas have popped up.

The academic career seems to be on a track of its own. It feels a bit like I’m being sucked into a sort of academic vortex. Of course I have made conscious efforts to keep it up, like applying for research positions and so on, not to mention working very hard. I do enjoy research and writing, whereas working in an academic environment can sometimes be quite annoying and stressful. But there is also great joy in realizing that I’m making progress. At the same time there are more and more demands, and the ever increasing feeling of performance anxiety: can I live up to the promises I’ve made? Will there ever be a thesis? Every day I come a little closer to the finish line, but doing research is not like running. It’s more like slowly dragging yourself forwards on hot asphalt with your knees bleeding.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about research and aesthetics, if they are at all comparable, or if science can say anything about aesthetics, or if I can strive for working with both. It’s an old duality, but I see it everywhere, and I also feel both sides pulling me in different directions. But I can explore this duality, and currently I explore it through my research. Later I can let aesthetics take over, and express myself in non-academic ways.

I’m no good at waiting (on the other hand I’ve been waiting a long time now for someone so impatient). I’m waiting to finish a thesis and I’m also working on a children’s book in the evenings and on train rides. I also constantly long for time to finish a few paintings. Then there are also all the article and presentation deadlines to work towards during the day. To take to a common metaphor: the different projects that I work on currently, they are like babies in my head. I know what it’s like to be pregnant, and right now I feel like I’m carrying triplets or quadruplets in my brain. There are too many babies in me, some huge and almost finished, some still small, but too few are coming out and too slowly. So I’m bursting with a need to finish my products, my babies (thesis, book, paintings etcetc). That’s why I felt I needed to blog again. A blog post is an instant product (very satisfying for the impatient self). Although one blog post is a very small baby indeed, so small that it’s life (on the web) is almost insignificant, and just a small amount of pressure is released. And the poor little baby has very few chances to be taken care of by a receiver, a reader. Posting it on the web is almost like leaving it alone in a dark forest for wolves to find it.

But to leave the metaphor: hopefully I’ll have time to write more posts now that I can’t stand the pressure of the bulging brain anymore. I’ll come back to my work and my thoughts in coming posts.

Normalcy

Being in the process of buying a house, and having a second child, has of course made me very aware of the fact that I need a “proper” job to be able to pay the price of a certain lifestyle. This lifestyle is what most people seem to strive for: house, family, car etc. It seems to be the normal thing to want. I’ve never actually dreamt of having these things, except for children after the age of 25. Somehow the dream of a house came along with the family. The car I try to avoid, because it’s cheaper to take the bus, but sometimes (like today) it’s just easier to take the car. But will I be able to for example live as a freelancer when we have loan payments? Freelancing seems to be just about the only way if I want to do illustrations, and even art history teaching and research (there are no jobs at my university, and I’m quite tired of sitting around waiting for one). I’m not sure I’m ready to take any more economical risks. But then what should I do? Change careers completely?

I read an article this weekend about an aquaintance who writes poetry books every now and then. This person was praised in the article for not being like others, for not being normal, perhaps indirectly they meant the person was a true artist of some kind. Something started to bother me about the article. Are artists and poets supposed to be abnormal? Can’t a normal person be an artist? I realized I’ve been thinking about this a lot before, but sort of forgotten about having issues with it. It’s related to my own attitude towards being normal. I’ve always taken a sort of pride in not considering myself as someting other than relatively normal. And I’ve always been slightly amused and annoyed by people who seem to find themselves, or at least make themselves appear as something other than normal, as special people. But at the same time, if I’m honest, I often consider myself special too. So what am I, normal or special?

What does wanting to work creatively make a person? Is it not quite normal to want to do artistic work? Most people I know do some sort of writing, painting, thinking, sewing, decorating etc. Isn’t it just a question of having the courage to work in an area where you will be underpayed and considered outside the “job market”? Or a question of having the time to create in the evenings and nights, but this is just an option for people with no family and no need for rest. But there are “normal” jobs where you need to be creative, so it’s hardly about creativity. Is it more about choosing lifestyle? More about “living like an artist” or having a day-job. I would say that this strange artist image that’s floating about, that the artist lives like a bohemian, is slightly outdated, or it never really applied to most artists to begin with. But at the same time, creating for a living is a type of job that is hard to do a certain hour, it’s something that seeps through your whole life, not something that can be easily contained to “normal” working hours. So what I’m afraid of is: have I made a choice that makes it impossible for me to continue working with art (except sporadically as a sort of hobby)? Did I choose family, and so called normalcy, over a career in arts an research? Will I have to get a “normal” job next year when my maternity leave ends? And am I too normal to be an artist? Do I even want to be an artist?

I have a year to think about that.

Routine and change

I’ve hardly logged into WordPress the last months, too much going on. From January to a few weeks ago I’ve been nauseous and tired, gone to bed at 8 PM every night. It’s because growing a baby in your body is hard work I didn’t feel like announcing this on the web until now that I’m closing in on 20 weeks of pregnancy. The routine has been: up at 6.15, feed and dress Wilmer, drive him to kindergarten, drive to work, sit in front of computer pressing out notes for art history classes, planning courses, making power point slides, go to meetings, hold lectures, answer email, treasuring lunch in between, then drive to kindergarten, drive to store and buy food, go home and argue with Wilmer about eating at the table or having a bath or the necessity of changing his diaper (or alternatively that he tries sitting on the potty), stare at Lightning MacQueen with Wilmer while trying to read the newspaper, and then go to bed (at the same time as Wilmer). And then try to remember to give D a hug now and then.

So I’ve not been doing anything very exciting, but at the same time everything is changing fast. In september we’ll hopefully be a family of four. And now we’re planning to buy a house too. Possibly quite soon, since I think we found what we want (and can afford) yesterday. Now the only thing in my mind is what colour we could paint the walls, and that we need a bigger kitchen table, and that I need to learn how to take care of a garden. Oh, and the russian constructivism that I’m cramming for tomorrow’s lecture…

But perhaps I’ll start having an urge to write this blog a bit more. Perhaps I’ll start writing about babies and gardening instead of all those things in the categories. Besides, soon I’ll be at home again, with no employer, and no co-workers to have lunch with. But now it’s back to the constructivists and my notes, I have a very strict schedule to keep (and it seems a couple of smileys have crept into this post, it’s my frequent writing in pregnancy forums that are influencing me…)

Brain buzz break

I’m taking things a bit slow this January. And I think the darkness might be getting to me now (I mean the actual darkness of Finnish winter, not darkness in a psychological poetic sense). It’s increasingly hard to get up in the morning. And the endless trips back and forth between home, day care, work, day care, home are getting tedious (and right now the ground is covered with slush and deep brown pools of melted snow). I find myself missing my freelancing days from last year, when I returned home after leaving my son at day care, and then immersed myself in creative endavours, like making a portfolio, trying to find work, figuring out what I should be doing. So it seems I’ve already forgotten the state of panic I was in. But the working from home bit was always nice. I had my work community on the web instead. If I’m without work in October this year I’ll give the freelancing another go. Perhaps I can get a bit further a second time around.

Right now I’m trying to force out an essay on organizational sociology. It’s exactly the stuff I need for my thesis. But because of my current tiredness and slight lack of enthusiasm I’m really having to strain to get the text out on the key board. Every second you fight to keep your mind from straying, trying to not check your e-mail a hundred times an hour, or even worse, turning to the web. The web: that endless abyss of distraction. And at the same time I feel so bored with everything, especially my thesis subject, all the little debates and conflicts going on in the papers and around in my (real life) community. I’m also bored with web communities, with books even.

So my brain is going half speed now, which of course is necessary sometimes. I’m sure it’ll start up again in a few days or weeks. Meanwhile I do my chores in a sort of zombie-like state. Don’t get me wrong, I get things done, I’m even able to have good ideas, it’s just that the continuous buzz of multiple thought streams in my head has been turned off for a while. When you’re tired you rest. Even though the work you produce might not be the most inspired. But inspiration also needs to be absent at times.

How to make a banana-cocoa blog?

I’ve been doing as much as ever. But I don’t know what I can write about, as I now have an employer. I would like to write about my new interest in information visualization, since I’m planning a series of courses on visual literacy and visual communication. But I feel I cannot write about work. In my personal life I’m also a bit conflicted with some issues, that I don’t want to spread around on the web either. It’s nothing serious, actually it’s a rather nice thing, but I’m keeping it to myself.

I guess I could write about music, or some work of art, or post nice links. Yesterday I made some great banana-cocoa muffins, and I reflected on posting the recipe here… but that doesn’t really fit into the concept of this blog. Even though they turned out very good, and I’m quite proud of myself because I made the recipe myself (a modification of an ordinary type of muffins). So this is why posting is scarce now. My life (and job) situation is different, and I haven’t been able to modify this blog to suit my banana and cocoa thought processes.

Here’s that recipe anyway (1 dl = 100 g):

Mix 100 g butter and 1,5 dl of sugar with 4 eggs. Add 5 dl of flour, 1 teaspoon baking soda and 1 teaspoon vanillin sugar, 3 table spoons cocoa. Add 1,5 dl milk.

15 minutes in 200 degree oven.

Turned to words

Yesterday I had a small realization about what I’ve been doing these last ten years. I started out wanting to express myself visually, I went to art school etc. But then for some strange reason I turned to academia and all those ideas for paintings remained ideas only, becuase I had very little time to actually realize them. Now I notice I’ve grown into another form of expression: writing. Words just come easier than images, even though I still fantasize about paintings.

I use words in my work, I write academic text, and I write articles. I dream about writing more fiction. When I was younger I never put very much effort into writing, I just wrote. And usually the result was good compared to other kids. But I was never the writing whiz, the one people thought would become a famous writer or a journalist. My use of language was always just fine, not bad. Since then I’ve had a lot of practice, and this last year I have really put some effort into becoming a better writer. A while ago I felt that I had reached my limits, and needed to broaden them. I realized that I enjoyed this practice. I realized that I had improved. But I feel I need to become even better. There is still so much to learn. So a week ago I decided to enroll in a short class for literary writing. Nothing very prestigeous, but the teacher is a published writer. I’m looking forward to this, since I’ve never attended anything like it before. It starts in February. It’ll be interesting.

At the same time it’s a bit disturbing that I’ve lost some of the inspiration to create images. It’s hard to find a balance. But right now I feel that words are taking over. And my thesis. I really need to work on that thesis.

Paid

Incredible. I haven’t thought about blogging for a couple of weeks. I guess the blog has been serving as work community for me, since now that I have one at the university I haven’t had the need to write blog posts.

Well, today I’m happy because I got paid for all the work I’ve done since october. It all happened to appear on my account today. I could pay off my entire student loan now if I wanted to, and become debt free, but of course I have other expences to take care of. And I might be unemployed again by next fall. So I just go on like usual, with the exception of treating myself with new glasses (glasses are surprisingly expensive), a hair cut and perhaps the first facial I’ve ever had. It is Christmas soon after all.

It feels strange to be so well off. But I might add that the sum om my bank account (my earnings for 4 months) is still below the average income of a typical Finn. But at least I pass the limit for poverty now, which is by the way a ridiculous word to use in Finland when you compare to the rest of the world.

Office space/mind space

I’m moving to the art history department later this week.

I’ve been sitting in a common researchers’ room (with twelve small office spaces with shelves in between) since late April now. And I’ll be staying in the new office till June next year. It’ll feel good to be part of my own department now, but at the same time it’s a bit annoying that I constantly have to move my books, mugs, photos of Wilmer, folders, papers, computer, CDs… But now I’ll have a larger space, and perhaps I can finally start organizing myself in a more visual way, with notes and post-its and images on the walls. I’ve been yearning for the chance to spread out in a room, walk around and see the ideas in space, not only in forgotten documents in my many files and folders on the computer. I want to turn my mind inside out and be able to see thoughts with my eyes, and then perhaps my mind won’t feel so crowded and messy.

My lectures are over for this year, and it’s a bit of a relief, even though they didn’t cause that much stress to begin with: I have definitely gotten used to it now. But lecturing takes more energy than sitting and reading and writing, mulling around in that mind space. While lecturing you just hope you remember to say the important things, but there will always be something you forget.

Crawling back to the office is like coming back into a coccoon, it’s safe, calm, and you are allowed to think slowly. Lecturing requires faster thinking, and engaging socially. Even though I am a quite open and extroverted person, being social is more of a risk than solitary research and writing. Drawing back into myself in between “takes” is a relief, and I need it. I’m sure most people have both of these sides, and being compulsively drawn to either side, extrovertedness or introvertedness, might actually be a bit of a problem.

There I go again, always preaching about the importance of balance. Well, balance might not be that “important”, but I think it is the key to feeling good about yourself (i.e. being happy).

Interesting about happiness: it’s considered a bit dumb to be happy and content. But I disagree, a person can be very happy, but at the same time know that there are problems. I don’t see why a critical mind and contentedness are mutually exclusive.

Hopefully I’ll be both happy and analytical in my new office space.